What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 03.07.2025 00:55
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
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Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I will be 64.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And i lived it daily.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Has a cop ever said something to you which was completely unexpected?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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This is soul school!.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
So whats the point in blame.
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I couldn’t, believe it.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
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Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She was in good health!
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Why do I keep waking up at 4 AM?
So, i spoilt her more .
One cannot live in the past .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
How do people develop stage 4 cancer without noticing until it’s too late?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Have you ever heard of the god Priapus being the same as the god Phosphorus?
We were not on the streets..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
When she asked me how she looked .
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He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was 9 years of age.
Would this be the day?
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One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She wouldn,t have been !
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But ive been too sick for many years..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Ive learnt so much.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I think the readers, may guess!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She found it foreign!.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Put me off passion for life!!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
All the time i was locked up.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We all went to grammer schools
Im still living with it.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I said to her
I could never make a relationship work though!
He knew the spot.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I have no regrets .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She married twice! .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I was very sick at this time too.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I was scared of men, in general
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But, we were locked up after school.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
What did i know ?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I waited trembling.
My family never makes their pension either.
Was to survive, this bastard.
She loved him until the end.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I don,t even have a pension.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But it wasn’t much.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
It was going to be , some day.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Why did i forgive my father ?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was seconnd youngest,
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Who then, do I blame.?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Comes on , in middle age.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My life is so biszare .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I write beautiful poetry .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!